Love – Gotta Work It!

Guess what? The “seven year itch” isn’t just a myth!   Renowned authors and TV personalities, Dr. Oz and Dr. Roizen say there is biology to love!  In summary, when we fall in love, our emotions trigger hormones like dopamine and oxytocin.   For the first four years of a love relationship, we get a dosage of hormones that helps keep us close and bonding.  However, somewhere between five to seven years, these chemical levels drop off.  After that, couples really need to work to keep the love and sex fresh.  Check out the Roizen-Oz video The Biology of Attraction to learn more practical tips to keep the love light glowing.

Another terrific resource, Dr. John Gottman, researcher, author and Ph.D. psychologist known for his work on marital stability and relationship analysis, wrote a book called The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work  that suggest  how to keep the marriage going during the tough times. Although I admit I haven’t read the book, I summarized a terrific list from his website:  

• Seek help early. The average couple waits six years before seeking help for marital problems (and keep in mind, half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years). This means the average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long.
• Edit yourself. Couples who avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.
• Soften your “start-up.” Bring up problems gently and without blame.  Arguments first “start-up” because a spouse sometimes escalates the conflict from the get-go by making a critical or contemptuous remark in a confrontational tone.
• Accept influence. Because research shows women are already well-practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband can do so as well.  A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. A husband’s ability to be influenced by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is crucial.
•  Have high standards. The most successful couples are those who, even as newlyweds, refused to accept hurtful behavior from one another. Happy couples have high standards for each other. The lower the level of tolerance for bad behavior in the beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is down the road.
• Learn to repair and exit the argument. Successful couples know how to exit an argument. Successful repair and exit include: changing the topic to something completely unrelated; using humor; stroking your partner with a caring remark (“I understand that this is hard for you”); making it clear you’re on common ground (“This is our problem”); backing down; and, in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way (“I really appreciate and want to thank you for.…”). If an argument gets too heated, take a 20-minute break, and agree to approach the topic again when you are both calm.
• Focus on the bright side. In a happy marriage, while discussing problems, couples make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship as negative ones.  A good marriage must have a rich climate of positivity.

Last but not least, Michael J. Formica, MS, MA, psychotherapist, social scientist, and educator in Westport CT recently posted a blog entry called Ten Elements of Effective Relationships. His post is worth a look, and for me, his conclusion says it all:

 ”Spend time together, speak your truths, respect each other, take care of each other, laugh with — and at — one another…”

Love to hear what has worked for you!

Bring Back that Lovin’ Feeling

If you haven’t read your latest issue of Scientific American, you may miss out on practical exercises for building intimacy.  Robert Epstein, article author, longtime researcher, professor and PhD, has created dozens of exercises based on a distillation of scientific studies of how people learn to love each other. 

The basic concept is that when you increase vulnerability between two people you increase intimacy.  So if you are working on strengthening your love bond with someone close to you, here is a summary of the eight exercises from the article for your consideration  (and don’t worry, you keep your clothes on):

1)      Two as one:  Embrace each other gently and gradually try to synchronize your breathing for a few minutes.  Eventually, you may feel that you are breathing as one person.

2)      Soul Gazing:  Stand or sit about two feet away from each other and look deeply into each other’s eyes for two minutes.  Then talk about what you saw.

3)      Monkey Love: Stand or sit fairly close. One partner should start moving their hands, arms and legs any which way, while the other perfectly imitates the other partner’s movements. 

4)      Falling In Love: This is a trust exercise.  From a standing position, simply let yourself fall backward into the arms of your partner, (make sure that he or she knows what you are doing before you fall!) Then, Trade places several times. Talk about your feelings after you’re done. 

5)      Secret Swap:  Both partners should write a deep secret on a piece of paper.  Then trade papers and talk about what you read.   You can repeat this process over several days until there are no more secrets to tell.

6)      Mind-Reading Game: Write down a thought that you want to convey to your partner.  Then spend a few minutes wordlessly trying to communicate that thought (with your mind) while your partner guesses at what the thought is. If your partner can’t guess, reveal the thought and then switch roles.

7)      Let Me Inside:  Focus on each other while standing about four feet away from one another. Every 10 seconds or so, move a bit close until you are as close as you can get without touching.  (Warning, this exercise might lead to kissing)

8)      Love Aura: Place the palm of your hand as close as possible to your partner’s palm without actually touching. Do this for several minutes to feel heat, and sometimes, other kinds of energy.

 If you want to read more, you will need to get the magazine or visit the makinglovebook site below and look for the link to the article.  Epstein also has a book that looks interesting, called Making Love: How People Learn to Love and How You Can Too (www.makinglovebook.com ). 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Desire to Improve Valentine’s Day?

For many people, Valentine’s Day is simply a reminder of what they don’t have – the soul mate or partner they’ve been searching for, but who never appears.  Or they may lament being stuck in a “bad” or unsatisfying relationship.  So they pine and they long for something else.  Sadly, focusing on what you “lack” and feeling badly about the situation does nothing to make a good partnership or a better life become a reality. So what can you do instead?

I suggest you focus on possibility. You can begin to change your life by knowing what you really want.  When you have a vision of what you want, you can empower yourself to take inspired action. Here are a few fun exercises you can do to get on the road to knowing and manifesting what you desire. To create these, I borrowed from a concept called Law of Attraction.

My quick and dirty explanation of this Law is that if you can feel the feeling of already having your heart’s desire, you can begin to make it real.  No, it’s not a magic wand, but it’s more energizing (and more fun) than focusing on what you lack.   The exercises below will allow you to try it for yourself.  What do you have to lose?

Start by answering some suggested questions: 

1)    What qualities do I want my perfect mate to have?

• What do I enjoy about being with my lover?
• What are his or her qualities and characteristics?
• How does my partner treat me?
• What values do we share?
• What is most important to them?
• What do they want to achieve before they leave this world?
• What do they really love about their life?

2)    What qualities do I want to have in a relationship with my perfect mate?

• What does my lover enjoy about being with me?
• What qualities and characteristics do I have that my lover especially appreciates?
• How do I treat my perfect mate?
• What fun things do we do together?
• What values are non-negotiable for me?
• What do I love about my life?
• What is most important to me in the world?
• What do I want to achieve before I leave this world?
• What would a perfect week be like when we are together?
• How do I feel when we are together? Can I feel that way right now?

Notice, if you have trouble answering some of these questions about yourself.  If so, you may find it worthwhile to spend some more time being in love with yourself and your life to feel shiny in your own skin. Have you ever noticed how attractive people are when they are living a life they are truly excited about?    

If instead, you are hoping your mate will complete you by filling in your missing blanks –even though it’s okay to feel that way, your life will probably be a lot more fun if you know and love who you are first.   In that way, you can have a fabulous life with or without a partner.  And when you do join your partner, you will have lots of joy to share!

3) To wrap the exercise up

• Write yourself a love letter as if it were from your lover and/or 
• Write your lover a love letter as if he or she lives and breathes and their presence is imminent!
• Once one or more letters are complete, read them to yourself and feel the feelings you wrote about, as if you had it all now: love, joy and passion.  Then, put them away in a safe place.  Feel free to take them out and read them again whenever you want to – or not! And if you do take them out, allow yourself to feel the feelings as if they were happening right now.
• As often as you want, visit what it feels like to have someone in your life to write that kind of letter to.  Feel the presence of your soul mate, not their absence.  

4) Take inspired action

To start to realize your vision about yourself and your lover, what feels good to do next? Did you learn something about yourself that would be beneficial to pursue right now?  If not, no worries; just know and believe that love for yourself and others is always available to you – and then go out and spread some!

How?  Here’s one idea:  To honor the joy of Valentine’s Day, send a message of love and appreciation to everyone you care about.  It’s a great time to share – and you may brighten  someone else’s day who is struggling with this event.

So if it’s appropriate for you, feel free to redefine Valentine’s Day as a time of empowerment: take action to honor and know yourself and what you want, and take action to share your love with others. 

Now that, for me, is a fabulous holiday!

Read more about the Law of Attraction http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Law_of_Attraction